


Nothing Feels Right.

by landmarked



Category: A.P. Bio (TV)
Genre: He's miserable, M/M, Other, jack's implied crush on miles, kind of angst? i tried, trans jack griffin, trans miles leonard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 16:55:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18706471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/landmarked/pseuds/landmarked
Summary: trans jack griffin vs trans miles leonard except it's all in jack's head and jack is in love with miles but is too repressed to do anything about it





	Nothing Feels Right.

Jack hasn’t had any contact with Miles in at least six months now. 

Or rather, he hasn’t replied to any of the calls, texts, facebook messages and emails from him. Jack figured if his former best friend was really that concerned about him and their relationship, he’d come and visit. Miles was very much aware that he was in Ohio right now. He was also very much aware that Jack hated it there, and now also hated him. 

It’s not like he wanted Miles to come and visit him anyway. He wasn’t even sure if he could bear to talk to him again after their last encounter. Whether that was down to fear of the embarrassment that would come with having to apologize to him, or just because he may actually hate him now, Jack wasn’t sure. 

One thing he was certain of was that he would definitely lose his mind if he saw Miles in the flesh after six months. Six long months of press tours, book releases, TED talks, and personal growth - all on Miles’ part. All Jack had achieved in this time was successfully pulling off several revenge plots on those that had wronged his students, all in return for them helping him get his own back at Miles. Jack had done very little personal growth. He’d been immersing himself in the wreckage that was his life after everything had crashed and burned. He let all his anger and regret simmer inside him, and he knew all of it would come out the second he saw Miles. 

Even though he went back to Ohio to get away from Harvard, failure, and Miles, those seemed to be the only things he could think about. Miles was everywhere he went: in bookstores, on TV, in his favorite weekly philosophy column, and even on the radio. Consequently, memories of Harvard were there too - always in the back of his mind. It wasn’t even the shame of Miles’ success that bothered him, it was just that every time he saw him, he seemed more… masculine. When he saw the life-sized cardboard cutout of him at Toledo’s best bookstore, he could tell he’d been working out - even though he was only staring at a 2D rendition of him. His shoulders looked broader and his jaw looked sharper. He’d even checked the recency of that photo to find that it was only taken a week ago. He told himself he wouldn’t dwell on it too much, but then he went home and faced-off with the mirror, seeing the same exact person he saw last month. Maybe his issue with Miles went a lot deeper than just him stealing a job from him. Growing up, Jack was never entirely sure of whether he wanted to be with Miles or be him. Although they both had the same rough start to life, Miles was lucky. He never had to try as hard to be comfortable as Jack did. He’d noticed it as well; sometimes he’d help Jack out by buying him clothes or going to the gym with him. It could’ve been out of pity, though. 

Jack knew it was unhealthy to think this way, to compare his progress to others, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t fucking stop. 

Miles soared high above him - in more ways than one -, while Jack had to break his neck and strain his eyes just to get a glimpse. His life was now everything he'd feared it would become when he was younger. He washed out, and he was alone. 

Some nights he found himself wishing he’d said something different to Miles when he’d gotten the job instead of him. Something like “congratulations!” or “I’m proud of you”. Deep down he knew Miles had worked just as hard for this as he had, but Jack was never going to admit that. Things truly crumbled between them when Miles didn’t seem to show any pity for him just that once. Jack wasn’t an easy person to please and he knew it, but sometimes he wished he’d been easier on Miles. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to go back to Ohio. Maybe he wouldn’t have to be alone.

He was way past the point of no return. Calling Miles now and expecting him to forgive him seemed a little far fetched, as much as Miles was a pushover. He’d feel bad for making him settle for less than he deserved. He’d feel worse for gaining more from it. Miles was doing just fine without Jack - it was Jack that needed Miles to provide a sense of security. Every day he realized it even more: he needed Miles. He missed Miles.


End file.
